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The Rabbi's Children

A Rabbi's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the

congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion,

they passed a rule that whenever the Rabbi's family expanded, so

would his paycheck. After six children, this started to get

expensive, and the congregation decided to hold another

meeting to discuss the Rabbi's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much

the Rabbi's additional children were costing the shul, and how

much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the Rabbi rose from his

chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God and we will take

as many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the shul, little old Mrs. Goldberg struggled to stand

and finally said in her frail voice,

'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it,

we wear rubbers.'

In the hospital, the relatives were gathered in the waiting room while a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said, as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure and very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?' The doctor responded, '$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women.

One man, unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question that everyone wanted to ask, 'Why does a male brain cost so much more than a female brain?' The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper:

- Hello ?

- Is your daddy home?

- Yes, - whispered the small voice.

- May I talk with him?

The child whispered: No.

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked: "Is your Mummy there?"

- Yes.

- May I talk to her?

Again the small voice whispered: No.

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked: "Is anybody else there?".

- Yes, - whispered the child, - a policeman.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked: "May I speak with the policeman?"

- No, he's busy, - whispered the child.

- Busy doing what?

- Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman, - came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked: "What is that noise?"

- A helicopter, - answered the whispering voice.

- What is going on there? - demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered: "The search team just landed a helicopter".

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked:

- What are they searching for???

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: "Me"...

QUIET?SEX?
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"